I do a lot of thinking. A lot of “whys”, who, what, when, and where. How do I turn this around?
And why me?
How did I succumb to drug addiction and successfully get sober?
Some would call it willpower, or an act of God, maybe just lucky, but I’m sensing something else.
My Doctor ordered full testing off all my organs to see what and if there was any damage done from the thousands of pills I’ve swallowed, drugs I’ve smoked, and patches I wore. That wasn’t exactly an answer I was excited to hear about.
When I got the results, it was quite unexpected; no damage what so ever.
The Dr informed me that I was a lucky girl and that’s when it hit: Everything truly does happen for a reason.
How can I make things RIGHT?
I read that 20,000 people die everyday waiting for a kidney. I cannot even imagine the relentless pain those people go through, to watch your Dad, mom, sister, kid, ect get sicker and sicker everyday to such an unjudgmental disease. So then I read further and discovered you can donate one of your own kidneys and still live a perfectly functioning life.
Soooo…..this isn’t Rocket Science, who WOULDN’T do this? I thought.
I have an appointment with my Dr in the morning so we can talk about me being a Living Donor. I’m not sure what he will say…..but I’m not expecting the best results from this appt. It seems too crazy to me, if someone said to me “Hey, I’m giving away a Kidney to a stranger” I would think they weren’t ACTUALLY going to do so. It SOUNDS great, but are you REALLY going to attempt something do huge??
This is where my mind says; Why not??
Based on the research I’ve done, being a Living Donor seems perfectly beautiful to me. There is also a part of me that says “Lindsey, you don’t even deserve two perfectly healthy kidneys” and maybe that’s true!!
Why does this feel so natural??
And then there comes the most important issue of all: How will I go into a 6 week recovery with NO narcotics? Is that do-able? How do I get an entire KIDNEY taken out of me and not have pain medicine for at least the first few days?? What are the alternatives?? And then I think “Lindsey, you’ve literally walked next to the Devil near death for a long time….and totally got away, going cold turkey off massive amounts of opiates, and actually succeeding! You can do ANYTHING!”
There are a million questions that go into play when considering any big decision in life, but I think it all boils down to one question:
Is it POSSIBLE? Possible.
Is there a possibility? A probability? A passion? What are the motives??
Have you ever met someone who had such an awesome, care free look on life? Someone who survived Cancer and you envied their outlook? I have. And now….I find myself seriously blessed to have that same outlook. I wish and pray that you can find that in life one day. I’m not proud of how I came to such a conclusion, but glad I ended there.
So at this point I feel an overwhelming sense to MAKE SENCE out of non-sence. If this makes zero sense to you that’s okay, because to me; it’s perfect. ❤
I'm not sure where I'll go from here, or if my Dr will allow me to further pursue this "sense of non-sense", but I'm sure it'll all work out. I've been lucky. And hey, I don't need two kidneys!! Save a life, love life, pay it forward, change something, think outside of the box. Because in the end, it IS possible!
Well, here I am. My daughter just went to visit her Dad for a few weeks several states away and I’m alone at home.
I’m sober and alone in a big house with nothing to do besides find myself.
In NA they say to go day by day, or minute by minute. Whatever works. I’m going second by second.
I slept in quite late and was awoken by the smell of lillacs outside the window.
My hair and makeup are not done but I don’t care! Me and my coffee cup went out to sit in the grass, I closed my eyes and just appreciated such a beautiful smell.
Just doing exactly what I want.
I have a meeting tonight in 4 hours, I think I’m going to walk today 🙂 There’s a nature trail nearby and I want to walk it.
Getting off drugs is the hardest thing one will ever do, but then there comes a day when laying in the grass is all you want and need to be happy. I pray you find that day.
May you blast a song and dance like no one is watching you!!!
When you hear a thunderstorm, go outside! Go play in the rain like the inner kid you are.
I forgot how much I loved the rain.
This week I choose to walk wherever I go. I want to walk slowly and recognize the absolute beauty around me. I live in a beautiful lakeside area!! Maybe I’ll walk down to the park and watch the sunset, the sky turns so pink!!
Maybe I’ll sleep in the camper and listen to the crickets 🙂
Either way, I feel humbled.
Sorry for the rambling, but I hope and pray that one day you will play in the rain, sober, an it’ll feel great!!
Just keep trying!!
Drug addiction is so hard on the addicts family. It is mostly impossible to understand the brain of an addict if you have never been one.
The complexity of what is going on inside of an addicts brain can be overwhelming, and is usually very misunderstood by non-addicts. Chemically, it’s a MESS up there. Once you are hooked on drugs and you fry the natural endorphins in the brain, it becomes a VICIOUS CYCLE.
If an addict gets off of drugs they will be “down” for several months, maybe even more than a year until their body and brain realign. How can someone in recovery go to work and fully function when they are extremely weak, confused, ect??
If you want to get clean you have to basically eliminate all stress…including work. Realistically, this is not feasible for most people. And that takes us back to the VICIOUS CYCLE.
An addict cannot function without, plain and simple.
In Elementary school when they asked us what we wanted to be, do you remember anyone saying “I want to be a drug addict (alcoholic, ect)!!”??? 99% of the time this happens to us because of unfortunate events, not because WE WANT TO. Who would CHOOSE that kind of life.
To a non-addict: Try to remember the most helpless and hopeless you’ve ever felt. Put yourself back to that moment and feeling, it was aweful wasn’t it?? I can tell you from experience that drug addicts who are far into addiction feel that way all day, everyday. And not because they CHOSE to.
I was VERY LUCKY to have a great family to turn to, but SOOOOO many addicts do not. If you are hooked on Heroin and your mother constantly calls the cops on you, and your sister disowns you because she’s ashamed…..you pretty much have a ZERO percent chance of ever getting clean. And you know that!!! So when you yell at those people and they think your “such an asshole because of the drugs” you know damn well that you are frustrated because their display of love and “help” is ALL WRONG!!!!
Hating an addict put of sheer misunderstanding is plain ignorance. It’s actually an excellent example of ignorance.
If you LOVE someone you NEVER give up hope. If they refuse to ever quit, don’t drill them constantly, don’t disown them. All of these things will drive them away, make them more depressed, and it all adds to that VICIOUS CYCLE I keep referring to.
I would love to hear any comments you may have. I love to hear others thoughts an perspective on the issue of addicts….
22.6 Million Americans are addicted to drugs and 10 million are Alcoholics. That’s 32.6 million known addicts in a country of 313 million. Mind you now, there are 313,000,000 people in America and 40% of them are kids and babies.
How often do you get on your Facebook and see someone complaining? Almost every other post is SOMETHING about how that person hates their job, or their X, they are bored, in pain, the list goes on and on.
Are we conditioned to be unhappy??
I know for me personally, and I’m assuming many others, I started to drug simply because it made my life better. I hate to be so blunt, but it did! I felt happier, I had more energy, the house was cleaner, ect. We all want a little miracle pill (or drink) to make us happy. As a matter of fact, I think that in general we just want to BE HAPPY.
The unfortunate side of being an addict is that your drug of choice stops working the way it used to, and you become very sick after a while. Around 900,000 Americans die each year from substance abuse….what does that equal out to in a day?? About 2,500 people??
So here’s a question that I sometimes ponder: Is it better to live a long healthy happy life? Or to live a shorter super happy but not so healthy life?
It’s all just so screwed up if you ask me.
Conspiracists would argue that the government gets us hooked for money and population control purposes. Yea…it’s always the governments fault! I wonder how many of them like to pop a Xanax or Vicodin now and then?
With all of the problems we have….money issues, jobs, the fact that people no longer believe in hard work, the lack of God in our lives, ect…..it’s almost like we are DRIVEN to drugs an alcohol. Just so we can have a good damn day finally!
But for those people who genuinely WANT and NEED good help, if they don’t have $40,000 for a good rehab, then good luck with that!!
96% of addicts who go to a state funded rehab not only relapse, but they leave with “better connections”.
Maybe this is a conspiracy, lol. I’m sure most Meth addicts and paranoid people would be freaked out by that one!
I feel bad for this nation, I feel bad for those 33.6million people, I feel bad for myself. It just seems like a never ending circle of twisted “ur fucked”s.
Point be known: Don’t even ever TRY drugs.
What do you think? Do you think we are born into a world set up to fail??