my thoughts

All posts tagged my thoughts

When all Signs Point to Adderall (Signs and Tips for the Parents of an Adderall Abuser)

Published May 22, 2013 by lindseymeetsworld

When all Signs Point to Adderall (Signs and Tips for the Parents of an Adderall Abuser).

Saying You’re Sorry VS Being Sorry

Published February 27, 2013 by lindseymeetsworld

Sorry:

Sor-ry *Adjective

To feel regret, sorrow, sympathy, pity, or compunction. To be sorry for a friend in need. You are sorry for cheating on a test.

To be sorry seems like a very simple term when you read it so casually as you just did above. But to feel sorrow is quite sad and complex. For me personally, I feel a great deal of sorrow towards so many people. During my drug years, I became a whole different person. I was a lier, a cheat, I became permiscuous, and just in general a really shitty person. As much as I hate to admit this, I was also not being the best mother. I was loveless. Loveless to EVERYONE and EVERYTHING except for my drugs and the money in which provided my drugs. I pushed everyone away, I broke my fiances nose, cussed at my parents, I even pushed my mother down the stairs.

The way I treated men was the worst. I took out all of my hate towards my daughters father (or since were being honest, the hate I have towards myself for being in love with someone that i cant have because I RUINED it!) and basically punished as many men as possible. I left my fiancée, and broke as many hearts as I could. I found it funny. (Sick, huh?)

I think one of the worst things in my life of sobriety is the people who will not listen to or accept my apology. They don’t believe it’s genuine, and I can’t blame them!! There are a few people that I just NEED to know how sorry I am, and that I am NOT that girl who did what I did, that I am genuinely, 110%, swear to God SORRY.
But they won’t listen.
So instead I pray. I hope that one day I will get a chance to tell them, I hold on to faith that God will put me in a situation, or that they will see that I truely am sober and KNOW I am sorry.
It is impossible to go through life and never ever do something that makes you sorry, but oh boy do I hope that you never have the amounts of regret that I do.

Pride sure can be a stubborn little fucker can’t it??

20130227-153101.jpg

HATING the ADDICT

Published February 26, 2013 by lindseymeetsworld

Drug addiction is so hard on the addicts family. It is mostly impossible to understand the brain of an addict if you have never been one.
The complexity of what is going on inside of an addicts brain can be overwhelming, and is usually very misunderstood by non-addicts. Chemically, it’s a MESS up there. Once you are hooked on drugs and you fry the natural endorphins in the brain, it becomes a VICIOUS CYCLE.
If an addict gets off of drugs they will be “down” for several months, maybe even more than a year until their body and brain realign. How can someone in recovery go to work and fully function when they are extremely weak, confused, ect??
If you want to get clean you have to basically eliminate all stress…including work. Realistically, this is not feasible for most people. And that takes us back to the VICIOUS CYCLE.
An addict cannot function without, plain and simple.

In Elementary school when they asked us what we wanted to be, do you remember anyone saying “I want to be a drug addict (alcoholic, ect)!!”??? 99% of the time this happens to us because of unfortunate events, not because WE WANT TO. Who would CHOOSE that kind of life.

To a non-addict: Try to remember the most helpless and hopeless you’ve ever felt. Put yourself back to that moment and feeling, it was aweful wasn’t it?? I can tell you from experience that drug addicts who are far into addiction feel that way all day, everyday. And not because they CHOSE to.

I was VERY LUCKY to have a great family to turn to, but SOOOOO many addicts do not. If you are hooked on Heroin and your mother constantly calls the cops on you, and your sister disowns you because she’s ashamed…..you pretty much have a ZERO percent chance of ever getting clean. And you know that!!! So when you yell at those people and they think your “such an asshole because of the drugs” you know damn well that you are frustrated because their display of love and “help” is ALL WRONG!!!!

Hating an addict put of sheer misunderstanding is plain ignorance. It’s actually an excellent example of ignorance.
If you LOVE someone you NEVER give up hope. If they refuse to ever quit, don’t drill them constantly, don’t disown them. All of these things will drive them away, make them more depressed, and it all adds to that VICIOUS CYCLE I keep referring to.

I would love to hear any comments you may have. I love to hear others thoughts an perspective on the issue of addicts….

20130226-130207.jpg

20130226-130336.jpg

L0TS 0F L0VE FR0M LINDSEY

Just found this old “note” on my iphone

Published February 24, 2013 by lindseymeetsworld

I was going through my “notes” app and discovered this. I love to write, and when I get a thought, I jot it down. As a recovering addict, it is strange to read my clouded thoughts from the past.

~The Most Interesting Person Ive Never Met~

I want to blame my life. So many dark days haunt my mind, my soul. And as much as I wish they weren’t there, in a twisted way I am glad. Glad I have something to blame.

“Do you know how beautiful you are?” they ask.

I respond in my mind “Do you know how ugly I am beyond what you see?”

“Whats it like to be so beautiful?” they ask

I look them strait in the eye and I truthfully respond, “Its a curse.” That usually shocks them. Not much of anything shocks me anymore.

I am the most interesting person Ive never met.

And in one fateful moment I realize: I can’t blame them. I blame ME.

For once, I blame ME.

I dont know what tomorrow will be like. I do know I’ll wake up weak, sometime throughout the day I will probably throw up, I’ll shake. Someday I will die like the rest of those like me, maybe sooner than usual. But I wonder: Will I EVER get a chance to meet me?

Sincerely,

I Dont Know