When most people hear that they usually picture: A person strung out, greasy hair, trashed house, a lier, a thief, a cheat, just plain trash.
Its true most addicts are lairs, we live our lives based on lies. We will lie about almost anything and everything for one ultimate reason: Drugs.
I am in my late twenties and spent most, if not all, of my teenage and adult life as an addict. I always considered myself a “functioning addict” as I worked (hard), I generally always have done well for myself, and no one (besides my dealers) knew I was on drugs. I spent ALOT of energy making sure my peers did not know what I was up to.
Contrary to popular belief, I am actually quite intelligent and knew that one day I was going to have to do one of two things: Get sober or Die. So when I ultimately sat my family down and admitted defeat, some were pretty shocked to say the least.
Using all of the years of research Ive done, I knew I stood a very low chance of getting sober without rehab, and since I couldn’t afford rehab I knew I had to FIGHT. I also knew it was basically impossible to get sober without family support.
I medically detoxed myself and I sit here today many, many months later completely sober. I AM the 3% who did it without rehab.
As most people know, a drug addict will NEVER get clean if they dont WANT to. That was my problem, I didnt WANT to. I never knew any other way of life. All I knew was drugs. I had never functioned sober before. I was someone I had never met before.
Let me tell you a story that made me want to get sober, its what I call my “rock bottom”. When I use that term, I wasnt homeless, I never sold my body, but this was enough for me.
A usual day for me went like this: When I woke up I would take 5 Norcos, and when they kicked in I took 5 more. I wore 2 Fentanyl patches at all times, and shot up 2 full needles of Morphine a day. This was at my worst. I laid down for bed one night and felt afraid, I knew I had overdone it this time (I am 109 pounds, WAY too small to be taking these amounts of drugs) I was convinced that this was it, there was no way I was going to wake up. The past previous weeks I felt like I was slowly dying. I got out of bed and went into my daughters room (she is 3) where she was asleep. I sat next to her and said a prayer, I kissed her about 50 times, and apologized 50 more.
A clear head would think, how could you put yourself in such danger knowing you’re a mother? How selfish!!! And yes, I was as selfish as selfish came. The next morning, as God would have it, I woke up. My daughter crawled in bed with me and we just cuddled. She said to me in these exact words “I love you mama, promise you’ll never leave me”
If only she knew the impact that one statement would have on me. Out of ALL the reasons I have ever had to get sober, this put something in my brain. I swore that moment that it was time….I choose LIFE.
As the weeks went on and my mind became more clear, I realized things I never realized before. First and foremost I realized how SORRY AND STUPID I was. But…..I did it. I dont care if anyone wants to deem me for my past because I can say, in all honestly that I got sober, I admitted my problem, and I fought like a mother effer, and I DID IT!!!!
Ive always believed in God and I do believe we are all here for a purpose. I know I was meant to go through what I went through so I can help other people. Which I have.
This is my first blog but I will write many more. Feel free to write me, comment, ask for advice, trust me when I say NOTHING surprises me anymore.
I will always be an addict, but today I am a sober one.