I feel like I’ve become numb. My depression has came back with a strict mission to ruin me, and it’s winning. I don’t know if it’s the seasonal change, another part of being Bipolar, or just a bad diet and routine but I am not liking this at all.
Not even my daughter can make me laugh. Yesterday was pathetic, she was laughing and giggling what would have been a precious moment, but for me it was nothing…I even tried to fake laugh but it was too obvious.
Everyone around me is asking me what’s wrong and I don’t find them to be helpful, I find them to be annoying, which is causing me to isolate.
I’ve been on anti-depressants most of my life and I still have these times, so I am going to do something different: I am going to exercise my way out of depression. Lets see if it works!
Depression Scale (1-10, 1 being happy and 10 being the worst depressed)
Work out: 30 minutes (Nothing extreme, just keep moving for as long as I can)
I’m typing this as I walk to keep my mind focused away from my thoughts of wanting to just sit down and be sad. It’s been 20 minutes and I can feel it in my legs, it feels pretty good. I can actually remember a time when I loved to work out and was actually addicted to it. I really hope this works! My life feels so dark and depressing. Medicine obviously doesn’t help me. Exercise and getting back to a routine (I imagine) should work wonders.
I do a lot of thinking. A lot of “whys”, who, what, when, and where. How do I turn this around?
And why me?
How did I succumb to drug addiction and successfully get sober?
Some would call it willpower, or an act of God, maybe just lucky, but I’m sensing something else.
My Doctor ordered full testing off all my organs to see what and if there was any damage done from the thousands of pills I’ve swallowed, drugs I’ve smoked, and patches I wore. That wasn’t exactly an answer I was excited to hear about.
When I got the results, it was quite unexpected; no damage what so ever.
The Dr informed me that I was a lucky girl and that’s when it hit: Everything truly does happen for a reason.
How can I make things RIGHT?
I read that 20,000 people die everyday waiting for a kidney. I cannot even imagine the relentless pain those people go through, to watch your Dad, mom, sister, kid, ect get sicker and sicker everyday to such an unjudgmental disease. So then I read further and discovered you can donate one of your own kidneys and still live a perfectly functioning life.
Soooo…..this isn’t Rocket Science, who WOULDN’T do this? I thought.
I have an appointment with my Dr in the morning so we can talk about me being a Living Donor. I’m not sure what he will say…..but I’m not expecting the best results from this appt. It seems too crazy to me, if someone said to me “Hey, I’m giving away a Kidney to a stranger” I would think they weren’t ACTUALLY going to do so. It SOUNDS great, but are you REALLY going to attempt something do huge??
This is where my mind says; Why not??
Based on the research I’ve done, being a Living Donor seems perfectly beautiful to me. There is also a part of me that says “Lindsey, you don’t even deserve two perfectly healthy kidneys” and maybe that’s true!!
Why does this feel so natural??
And then there comes the most important issue of all: How will I go into a 6 week recovery with NO narcotics? Is that do-able? How do I get an entire KIDNEY taken out of me and not have pain medicine for at least the first few days?? What are the alternatives?? And then I think “Lindsey, you’ve literally walked next to the Devil near death for a long time….and totally got away, going cold turkey off massive amounts of opiates, and actually succeeding! You can do ANYTHING!”
There are a million questions that go into play when considering any big decision in life, but I think it all boils down to one question:
Is it POSSIBLE? Possible.
Is there a possibility? A probability? A passion? What are the motives??
Have you ever met someone who had such an awesome, care free look on life? Someone who survived Cancer and you envied their outlook? I have. And now….I find myself seriously blessed to have that same outlook. I wish and pray that you can find that in life one day. I’m not proud of how I came to such a conclusion, but glad I ended there.
So at this point I feel an overwhelming sense to MAKE SENCE out of non-sence. If this makes zero sense to you that’s okay, because to me; it’s perfect. ❤
I'm not sure where I'll go from here, or if my Dr will allow me to further pursue this "sense of non-sense", but I'm sure it'll all work out. I've been lucky. And hey, I don't need two kidneys!! Save a life, love life, pay it forward, change something, think outside of the box. Because in the end, it IS possible!
To feel regret, sorrow, sympathy, pity, or compunction. To be sorry for a friend in need. You are sorry for cheating on a test.
To be sorry seems like a very simple term when you read it so casually as you just did above. But to feel sorrow is quite sad and complex. For me personally, I feel a great deal of sorrow towards so many people. During my drug years, I became a whole different person. I was a lier, a cheat, I became permiscuous, and just in general a really shitty person. As much as I hate to admit this, I was also not being the best mother. I was loveless. Loveless to EVERYONE and EVERYTHING except for my drugs and the money in which provided my drugs. I pushed everyone away, I broke my fiances nose, cussed at my parents, I even pushed my mother down the stairs.
The way I treated men was the worst. I took out all of my hate towards my daughters father (or since were being honest, the hate I have towards myself for being in love with someone that i cant have because I RUINED it!) and basically punished as many men as possible. I left my fiancée, and broke as many hearts as I could. I found it funny. (Sick, huh?)
I think one of the worst things in my life of sobriety is the people who will not listen to or accept my apology. They don’t believe it’s genuine, and I can’t blame them!! There are a few people that I just NEED to know how sorry I am, and that I am NOT that girl who did what I did, that I am genuinely, 110%, swear to God SORRY.
But they won’t listen.
So instead I pray. I hope that one day I will get a chance to tell them, I hold on to faith that God will put me in a situation, or that they will see that I truely am sober and KNOW I am sorry.
It is impossible to go through life and never ever do something that makes you sorry, but oh boy do I hope that you never have the amounts of regret that I do.
Pride sure can be a stubborn little fucker can’t it??
Drug addiction is so hard on the addicts family. It is mostly impossible to understand the brain of an addict if you have never been one.
The complexity of what is going on inside of an addicts brain can be overwhelming, and is usually very misunderstood by non-addicts. Chemically, it’s a MESS up there. Once you are hooked on drugs and you fry the natural endorphins in the brain, it becomes a VICIOUS CYCLE.
If an addict gets off of drugs they will be “down” for several months, maybe even more than a year until their body and brain realign. How can someone in recovery go to work and fully function when they are extremely weak, confused, ect??
If you want to get clean you have to basically eliminate all stress…including work. Realistically, this is not feasible for most people. And that takes us back to the VICIOUS CYCLE.
An addict cannot function without, plain and simple.
In Elementary school when they asked us what we wanted to be, do you remember anyone saying “I want to be a drug addict (alcoholic, ect)!!”??? 99% of the time this happens to us because of unfortunate events, not because WE WANT TO. Who would CHOOSE that kind of life.
To a non-addict: Try to remember the most helpless and hopeless you’ve ever felt. Put yourself back to that moment and feeling, it was aweful wasn’t it?? I can tell you from experience that drug addicts who are far into addiction feel that way all day, everyday. And not because they CHOSE to.
I was VERY LUCKY to have a great family to turn to, but SOOOOO many addicts do not. If you are hooked on Heroin and your mother constantly calls the cops on you, and your sister disowns you because she’s ashamed…..you pretty much have a ZERO percent chance of ever getting clean. And you know that!!! So when you yell at those people and they think your “such an asshole because of the drugs” you know damn well that you are frustrated because their display of love and “help” is ALL WRONG!!!!
Hating an addict put of sheer misunderstanding is plain ignorance. It’s actually an excellent example of ignorance.
If you LOVE someone you NEVER give up hope. If they refuse to ever quit, don’t drill them constantly, don’t disown them. All of these things will drive them away, make them more depressed, and it all adds to that VICIOUS CYCLE I keep referring to.
I would love to hear any comments you may have. I love to hear others thoughts an perspective on the issue of addicts….
Most non addicts, just like non smokers, think “Why don’t you just stop?”. I find these people to be so ignorant.
It’s easy to think that getting off of drugs is as simple as getting through a detox. WRONG!!!!
As someone who has experienced this, I can honestly say that detox was a BREEZE compared to what I had to face mentally. No one ever told me about this mental aspect of recovery, I never read about it in any books or forums. It was a total surprise for me. So much so that when I know, or am helping, someone getting clean I make sure to warn them what they are about to encounter.
How stupid was I though??? As an opiate addict, my endorphins were fried, my seretonin and oxytocin levels were fried…..common sense would tell me that this is all a recipe for disaster.
At about day 21, I had what I call a “Psychotic Break”. Every person I had ever wronged, lied to, stole from, every relationship that had gone bad because of me was haunting me….literally. At night I would dream of these people, during the day I cried ALOT. My mind raced a million thoughts, I was FULL of guilt, and I just felt like I was loosing it. I had moments of EXTREME rage, and for about 2 days I rocked back n forth screaming for my boyfriend to call someone….I wanted to kill myself, I mean, I SERIOUSLY considered it.
Eventually this did pass. But then the sensitivity kicked in. For about 3 weeks I cried over almost everything and anything.
I wonder if people purposely don’t warn us addicts about this in fear that it may scare us from recovering??