To feel regret, sorrow, sympathy, pity, or compunction. To be sorry for a friend in need. You are sorry for cheating on a test.
To be sorry seems like a very simple term when you read it so casually as you just did above. But to feel sorrow is quite sad and complex. For me personally, I feel a great deal of sorrow towards so many people. During my drug years, I became a whole different person. I was a lier, a cheat, I became permiscuous, and just in general a really shitty person. As much as I hate to admit this, I was also not being the best mother. I was loveless. Loveless to EVERYONE and EVERYTHING except for my drugs and the money in which provided my drugs. I pushed everyone away, I broke my fiances nose, cussed at my parents, I even pushed my mother down the stairs.
The way I treated men was the worst. I took out all of my hate towards my daughters father (or since were being honest, the hate I have towards myself for being in love with someone that i cant have because I RUINED it!) and basically punished as many men as possible. I left my fiancée, and broke as many hearts as I could. I found it funny. (Sick, huh?)
I think one of the worst things in my life of sobriety is the people who will not listen to or accept my apology. They don’t believe it’s genuine, and I can’t blame them!! There are a few people that I just NEED to know how sorry I am, and that I am NOT that girl who did what I did, that I am genuinely, 110%, swear to God SORRY.
But they won’t listen.
So instead I pray. I hope that one day I will get a chance to tell them, I hold on to faith that God will put me in a situation, or that they will see that I truely am sober and KNOW I am sorry.
It is impossible to go through life and never ever do something that makes you sorry, but oh boy do I hope that you never have the amounts of regret that I do.
Pride sure can be a stubborn little fucker can’t it??
Drug addiction is so hard on the addicts family. It is mostly impossible to understand the brain of an addict if you have never been one.
The complexity of what is going on inside of an addicts brain can be overwhelming, and is usually very misunderstood by non-addicts. Chemically, it’s a MESS up there. Once you are hooked on drugs and you fry the natural endorphins in the brain, it becomes a VICIOUS CYCLE.
If an addict gets off of drugs they will be “down” for several months, maybe even more than a year until their body and brain realign. How can someone in recovery go to work and fully function when they are extremely weak, confused, ect??
If you want to get clean you have to basically eliminate all stress…including work. Realistically, this is not feasible for most people. And that takes us back to the VICIOUS CYCLE.
An addict cannot function without, plain and simple.
In Elementary school when they asked us what we wanted to be, do you remember anyone saying “I want to be a drug addict (alcoholic, ect)!!”??? 99% of the time this happens to us because of unfortunate events, not because WE WANT TO. Who would CHOOSE that kind of life.
To a non-addict: Try to remember the most helpless and hopeless you’ve ever felt. Put yourself back to that moment and feeling, it was aweful wasn’t it?? I can tell you from experience that drug addicts who are far into addiction feel that way all day, everyday. And not because they CHOSE to.
I was VERY LUCKY to have a great family to turn to, but SOOOOO many addicts do not. If you are hooked on Heroin and your mother constantly calls the cops on you, and your sister disowns you because she’s ashamed…..you pretty much have a ZERO percent chance of ever getting clean. And you know that!!! So when you yell at those people and they think your “such an asshole because of the drugs” you know damn well that you are frustrated because their display of love and “help” is ALL WRONG!!!!
Hating an addict put of sheer misunderstanding is plain ignorance. It’s actually an excellent example of ignorance.
If you LOVE someone you NEVER give up hope. If they refuse to ever quit, don’t drill them constantly, don’t disown them. All of these things will drive them away, make them more depressed, and it all adds to that VICIOUS CYCLE I keep referring to.
I would love to hear any comments you may have. I love to hear others thoughts an perspective on the issue of addicts….
L0TS 0F L0VE FR0M LINDSEY
When most people hear that they usually picture: A person strung out, greasy hair, trashed house, a lier, a thief, a cheat, just plain trash.
Its true most addicts are lairs, we live our lives based on lies. We will lie about almost anything and everything for one ultimate reason: Drugs.
I am in my late twenties and spent most, if not all, of my teenage and adult life as an addict. I always considered myself a “functioning addict” as I worked (hard), I generally always have done well for myself, and no one (besides my dealers) knew I was on drugs. I spent ALOT of energy making sure my peers did not know what I was up to.
Contrary to popular belief, I am actually quite intelligent and knew that one day I was going to have to do one of two things: Get sober or Die. So when I ultimately sat my family down and admitted defeat, some were pretty shocked to say the least.
Using all of the years of research Ive done, I knew I stood a very low chance of getting sober without rehab, and since I couldn’t afford rehab I knew I had to FIGHT. I also knew it was basically impossible to get sober without family support.
I medically detoxed myself and I sit here today many, many months later completely sober. I AM the 3% who did it without rehab.
As most people know, a drug addict will NEVER get clean if they dont WANT to. That was my problem, I didnt WANT to. I never knew any other way of life. All I knew was drugs. I had never functioned sober before. I was someone I had never met before.
Let me tell you a story that made me want to get sober, its what I call my “rock bottom”. When I use that term, I wasnt homeless, I never sold my body, but this was enough for me.
A usual day for me went like this: When I woke up I would take 5 Norcos, and when they kicked in I took 5 more. I wore 2 Fentanyl patches at all times, and shot up 2 full needles of Morphine a day. This was at my worst. I laid down for bed one night and felt afraid, I knew I had overdone it this time (I am 109 pounds, WAY too small to be taking these amounts of drugs) I was convinced that this was it, there was no way I was going to wake up. The past previous weeks I felt like I was slowly dying. I got out of bed and went into my daughters room (she is 3) where she was asleep. I sat next to her and said a prayer, I kissed her about 50 times, and apologized 50 more.
A clear head would think, how could you put yourself in such danger knowing you’re a mother? How selfish!!! And yes, I was as selfish as selfish came. The next morning, as God would have it, I woke up. My daughter crawled in bed with me and we just cuddled. She said to me in these exact words “I love you mama, promise you’ll never leave me”
If only she knew the impact that one statement would have on me. Out of ALL the reasons I have ever had to get sober, this put something in my brain. I swore that moment that it was time….I choose LIFE.
As the weeks went on and my mind became more clear, I realized things I never realized before. First and foremost I realized how SORRY AND STUPID I was. But…..I did it. I dont care if anyone wants to deem me for my past because I can say, in all honestly that I got sober, I admitted my problem, and I fought like a mother effer, and I DID IT!!!!
Ive always believed in God and I do believe we are all here for a purpose. I know I was meant to go through what I went through so I can help other people. Which I have.
This is my first blog but I will write many more. Feel free to write me, comment, ask for advice, trust me when I say NOTHING surprises me anymore.
I will always be an addict, but today I am a sober one.