I feel like I’ve become numb. My depression has came back with a strict mission to ruin me, and it’s winning. I don’t know if it’s the seasonal change, another part of being Bipolar, or just a bad diet and routine but I am not liking this at all.
Not even my daughter can make me laugh. Yesterday was pathetic, she was laughing and giggling what would have been a precious moment, but for me it was nothing…I even tried to fake laugh but it was too obvious.
Everyone around me is asking me what’s wrong and I don’t find them to be helpful, I find them to be annoying, which is causing me to isolate.
I’ve been on anti-depressants most of my life and I still have these times, so I am going to do something different: I am going to exercise my way out of depression. Lets see if it works!
Depression Scale (1-10, 1 being happy and 10 being the worst depressed)
Work out: 30 minutes (Nothing extreme, just keep moving for as long as I can)
I’m typing this as I walk to keep my mind focused away from my thoughts of wanting to just sit down and be sad. It’s been 20 minutes and I can feel it in my legs, it feels pretty good. I can actually remember a time when I loved to work out and was actually addicted to it. I really hope this works! My life feels so dark and depressing. Medicine obviously doesn’t help me. Exercise and getting back to a routine (I imagine) should work wonders.
To feel regret, sorrow, sympathy, pity, or compunction. To be sorry for a friend in need. You are sorry for cheating on a test.
To be sorry seems like a very simple term when you read it so casually as you just did above. But to feel sorrow is quite sad and complex. For me personally, I feel a great deal of sorrow towards so many people. During my drug years, I became a whole different person. I was a lier, a cheat, I became permiscuous, and just in general a really shitty person. As much as I hate to admit this, I was also not being the best mother. I was loveless. Loveless to EVERYONE and EVERYTHING except for my drugs and the money in which provided my drugs. I pushed everyone away, I broke my fiances nose, cussed at my parents, I even pushed my mother down the stairs.
The way I treated men was the worst. I took out all of my hate towards my daughters father (or since were being honest, the hate I have towards myself for being in love with someone that i cant have because I RUINED it!) and basically punished as many men as possible. I left my fiancée, and broke as many hearts as I could. I found it funny. (Sick, huh?)
I think one of the worst things in my life of sobriety is the people who will not listen to or accept my apology. They don’t believe it’s genuine, and I can’t blame them!! There are a few people that I just NEED to know how sorry I am, and that I am NOT that girl who did what I did, that I am genuinely, 110%, swear to God SORRY.
But they won’t listen.
So instead I pray. I hope that one day I will get a chance to tell them, I hold on to faith that God will put me in a situation, or that they will see that I truely am sober and KNOW I am sorry.
It is impossible to go through life and never ever do something that makes you sorry, but oh boy do I hope that you never have the amounts of regret that I do.
Pride sure can be a stubborn little fucker can’t it??
Drug addiction is so hard on the addicts family. It is mostly impossible to understand the brain of an addict if you have never been one.
The complexity of what is going on inside of an addicts brain can be overwhelming, and is usually very misunderstood by non-addicts. Chemically, it’s a MESS up there. Once you are hooked on drugs and you fry the natural endorphins in the brain, it becomes a VICIOUS CYCLE.
If an addict gets off of drugs they will be “down” for several months, maybe even more than a year until their body and brain realign. How can someone in recovery go to work and fully function when they are extremely weak, confused, ect??
If you want to get clean you have to basically eliminate all stress…including work. Realistically, this is not feasible for most people. And that takes us back to the VICIOUS CYCLE.
An addict cannot function without, plain and simple.
In Elementary school when they asked us what we wanted to be, do you remember anyone saying “I want to be a drug addict (alcoholic, ect)!!”??? 99% of the time this happens to us because of unfortunate events, not because WE WANT TO. Who would CHOOSE that kind of life.
To a non-addict: Try to remember the most helpless and hopeless you’ve ever felt. Put yourself back to that moment and feeling, it was aweful wasn’t it?? I can tell you from experience that drug addicts who are far into addiction feel that way all day, everyday. And not because they CHOSE to.
I was VERY LUCKY to have a great family to turn to, but SOOOOO many addicts do not. If you are hooked on Heroin and your mother constantly calls the cops on you, and your sister disowns you because she’s ashamed…..you pretty much have a ZERO percent chance of ever getting clean. And you know that!!! So when you yell at those people and they think your “such an asshole because of the drugs” you know damn well that you are frustrated because their display of love and “help” is ALL WRONG!!!!
Hating an addict put of sheer misunderstanding is plain ignorance. It’s actually an excellent example of ignorance.
If you LOVE someone you NEVER give up hope. If they refuse to ever quit, don’t drill them constantly, don’t disown them. All of these things will drive them away, make them more depressed, and it all adds to that VICIOUS CYCLE I keep referring to.
I would love to hear any comments you may have. I love to hear others thoughts an perspective on the issue of addicts….
22.6 Million Americans are addicted to drugs and 10 million are Alcoholics. That’s 32.6 million known addicts in a country of 313 million. Mind you now, there are 313,000,000 people in America and 40% of them are kids and babies.
How often do you get on your Facebook and see someone complaining? Almost every other post is SOMETHING about how that person hates their job, or their X, they are bored, in pain, the list goes on and on.
Are we conditioned to be unhappy??
I know for me personally, and I’m assuming many others, I started to drug simply because it made my life better. I hate to be so blunt, but it did! I felt happier, I had more energy, the house was cleaner, ect. We all want a little miracle pill (or drink) to make us happy. As a matter of fact, I think that in general we just want to BE HAPPY.
The unfortunate side of being an addict is that your drug of choice stops working the way it used to, and you become very sick after a while. Around 900,000 Americans die each year from substance abuse….what does that equal out to in a day?? About 2,500 people??
So here’s a question that I sometimes ponder: Is it better to live a long healthy happy life? Or to live a shorter super happy but not so healthy life?
It’s all just so screwed up if you ask me.
Conspiracists would argue that the government gets us hooked for money and population control purposes. Yea…it’s always the governments fault! I wonder how many of them like to pop a Xanax or Vicodin now and then?
With all of the problems we have….money issues, jobs, the fact that people no longer believe in hard work, the lack of God in our lives, ect…..it’s almost like we are DRIVEN to drugs an alcohol. Just so we can have a good damn day finally!
But for those people who genuinely WANT and NEED good help, if they don’t have $40,000 for a good rehab, then good luck with that!!
96% of addicts who go to a state funded rehab not only relapse, but they leave with “better connections”.
Maybe this is a conspiracy, lol. I’m sure most Meth addicts and paranoid people would be freaked out by that one!
I feel bad for this nation, I feel bad for those 33.6million people, I feel bad for myself. It just seems like a never ending circle of twisted “ur fucked”s.
Point be known: Don’t even ever TRY drugs.
What do you think? Do you think we are born into a world set up to fail??