I do a lot of thinking. A lot of “whys”, who, what, when, and where. How do I turn this around?
And why me?
How did I succumb to drug addiction and successfully get sober?
Some would call it willpower, or an act of God, maybe just lucky, but I’m sensing something else.
My Doctor ordered full testing off all my organs to see what and if there was any damage done from the thousands of pills I’ve swallowed, drugs I’ve smoked, and patches I wore. That wasn’t exactly an answer I was excited to hear about.
When I got the results, it was quite unexpected; no damage what so ever.
The Dr informed me that I was a lucky girl and that’s when it hit: Everything truly does happen for a reason.
How can I make things RIGHT?
I read that 20,000 people die everyday waiting for a kidney. I cannot even imagine the relentless pain those people go through, to watch your Dad, mom, sister, kid, ect get sicker and sicker everyday to such an unjudgmental disease. So then I read further and discovered you can donate one of your own kidneys and still live a perfectly functioning life.
Soooo…..this isn’t Rocket Science, who WOULDN’T do this? I thought.
I have an appointment with my Dr in the morning so we can talk about me being a Living Donor. I’m not sure what he will say…..but I’m not expecting the best results from this appt. It seems too crazy to me, if someone said to me “Hey, I’m giving away a Kidney to a stranger” I would think they weren’t ACTUALLY going to do so. It SOUNDS great, but are you REALLY going to attempt something do huge??
This is where my mind says; Why not??
Based on the research I’ve done, being a Living Donor seems perfectly beautiful to me. There is also a part of me that says “Lindsey, you don’t even deserve two perfectly healthy kidneys” and maybe that’s true!!
Why does this feel so natural??
And then there comes the most important issue of all: How will I go into a 6 week recovery with NO narcotics? Is that do-able? How do I get an entire KIDNEY taken out of me and not have pain medicine for at least the first few days?? What are the alternatives?? And then I think “Lindsey, you’ve literally walked next to the Devil near death for a long time….and totally got away, going cold turkey off massive amounts of opiates, and actually succeeding! You can do ANYTHING!”
There are a million questions that go into play when considering any big decision in life, but I think it all boils down to one question:
Is it POSSIBLE? Possible.
Is there a possibility? A probability? A passion? What are the motives??
Have you ever met someone who had such an awesome, care free look on life? Someone who survived Cancer and you envied their outlook? I have. And now….I find myself seriously blessed to have that same outlook. I wish and pray that you can find that in life one day. I’m not proud of how I came to such a conclusion, but glad I ended there.
So at this point I feel an overwhelming sense to MAKE SENCE out of non-sence. If this makes zero sense to you that’s okay, because to me; it’s perfect. ❤
I'm not sure where I'll go from here, or if my Dr will allow me to further pursue this "sense of non-sense", but I'm sure it'll all work out. I've been lucky. And hey, I don't need two kidneys!! Save a life, love life, pay it forward, change something, think outside of the box. Because in the end, it IS possible!
Well, here I am. My daughter just went to visit her Dad for a few weeks several states away and I’m alone at home.
I’m sober and alone in a big house with nothing to do besides find myself.
In NA they say to go day by day, or minute by minute. Whatever works. I’m going second by second.
I slept in quite late and was awoken by the smell of lillacs outside the window.
My hair and makeup are not done but I don’t care! Me and my coffee cup went out to sit in the grass, I closed my eyes and just appreciated such a beautiful smell.
Just doing exactly what I want.
I have a meeting tonight in 4 hours, I think I’m going to walk today 🙂 There’s a nature trail nearby and I want to walk it.
Getting off drugs is the hardest thing one will ever do, but then there comes a day when laying in the grass is all you want and need to be happy. I pray you find that day.
May you blast a song and dance like no one is watching you!!!
When you hear a thunderstorm, go outside! Go play in the rain like the inner kid you are.
I forgot how much I loved the rain.
This week I choose to walk wherever I go. I want to walk slowly and recognize the absolute beauty around me. I live in a beautiful lakeside area!! Maybe I’ll walk down to the park and watch the sunset, the sky turns so pink!!
Maybe I’ll sleep in the camper and listen to the crickets 🙂
Either way, I feel humbled.
Sorry for the rambling, but I hope and pray that one day you will play in the rain, sober, an it’ll feel great!!
Just keep trying!!
To feel regret, sorrow, sympathy, pity, or compunction. To be sorry for a friend in need. You are sorry for cheating on a test.
To be sorry seems like a very simple term when you read it so casually as you just did above. But to feel sorrow is quite sad and complex. For me personally, I feel a great deal of sorrow towards so many people. During my drug years, I became a whole different person. I was a lier, a cheat, I became permiscuous, and just in general a really shitty person. As much as I hate to admit this, I was also not being the best mother. I was loveless. Loveless to EVERYONE and EVERYTHING except for my drugs and the money in which provided my drugs. I pushed everyone away, I broke my fiances nose, cussed at my parents, I even pushed my mother down the stairs.
The way I treated men was the worst. I took out all of my hate towards my daughters father (or since were being honest, the hate I have towards myself for being in love with someone that i cant have because I RUINED it!) and basically punished as many men as possible. I left my fiancée, and broke as many hearts as I could. I found it funny. (Sick, huh?)
I think one of the worst things in my life of sobriety is the people who will not listen to or accept my apology. They don’t believe it’s genuine, and I can’t blame them!! There are a few people that I just NEED to know how sorry I am, and that I am NOT that girl who did what I did, that I am genuinely, 110%, swear to God SORRY.
But they won’t listen.
So instead I pray. I hope that one day I will get a chance to tell them, I hold on to faith that God will put me in a situation, or that they will see that I truely am sober and KNOW I am sorry.
It is impossible to go through life and never ever do something that makes you sorry, but oh boy do I hope that you never have the amounts of regret that I do.
Pride sure can be a stubborn little fucker can’t it??