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Exercise for Depression Day 1

Published November 11, 2013 by lindseymeetsworld

I feel like I’ve become numb. My depression has came back with a strict mission to ruin me, and it’s winning. I don’t know if it’s the seasonal change, another part of being Bipolar, or just a bad diet and routine but I am not liking this at all.
Not even my daughter can make me laugh. Yesterday was pathetic, she was laughing and giggling what would have been a precious moment, but for me it was nothing…I even tried to fake laugh but it was too obvious.
Everyone around me is asking me what’s wrong and I don’t find them to be helpful, I find them to be annoying, which is causing me to isolate.
I’ve been on anti-depressants most of my life and I still have these times, so I am going to do something different: I am going to exercise my way out of depression. Lets see if it works!

Day 1:
Depression Scale (1-10, 1 being happy and 10 being the worst depressed)
Today: 9
Work out: 30 minutes (Nothing extreme, just keep moving for as long as I can)

I’m typing this as I walk to keep my mind focused away from my thoughts of wanting to just sit down and be sad. It’s been 20 minutes and I can feel it in my legs, it feels pretty good. I can actually remember a time when I loved to work out and was actually addicted to it. I really hope this works! My life feels so dark and depressing. Medicine obviously doesn’t help me. Exercise and getting back to a routine (I imagine) should work wonders.

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Organ Donation (Paying it Forward)

Published July 19, 2013 by lindseymeetsworld

I do a lot of thinking. A lot of “whys”, who, what, when, and where. How do I turn this around?
And why me?
How did I succumb to drug addiction and successfully get sober?
Some would call it willpower, or an act of God, maybe just lucky, but I’m sensing something else.
My Doctor ordered full testing off all my organs to see what and if there was any damage done from the thousands of pills I’ve swallowed, drugs I’ve smoked, and patches I wore. That wasn’t exactly an answer I was excited to hear about.
When I got the results, it was quite unexpected; no damage what so ever.
WHAT?!
The Dr informed me that I was a lucky girl and that’s when it hit: Everything truly does happen for a reason.
How can I make things RIGHT?
I read that 20,000 people die everyday waiting for a kidney. I cannot even imagine the relentless pain those people go through, to watch your Dad, mom, sister, kid, ect get sicker and sicker everyday to such an unjudgmental disease. So then I read further and discovered you can donate one of your own kidneys and still live a perfectly functioning life.
Soooo…..this isn’t Rocket Science, who WOULDN’T do this? I thought.
I have an appointment with my Dr in the morning so we can talk about me being a Living Donor. I’m not sure what he will say…..but I’m not expecting the best results from this appt. It seems too crazy to me, if someone said to me “Hey, I’m giving away a Kidney to a stranger” I would think they weren’t ACTUALLY going to do so. It SOUNDS great, but are you REALLY going to attempt something do huge??
This is where my mind says; Why not??
Based on the research I’ve done, being a Living Donor seems perfectly beautiful to me. There is also a part of me that says “Lindsey, you don’t even deserve two perfectly healthy kidneys” and maybe that’s true!!
Why does this feel so natural??
And then there comes the most important issue of all: How will I go into a 6 week recovery with NO narcotics? Is that do-able? How do I get an entire KIDNEY taken out of me and not have pain medicine for at least the first few days?? What are the alternatives?? And then I think “Lindsey, you’ve literally walked next to the Devil near death for a long time….and totally got away, going cold turkey off massive amounts of opiates, and actually succeeding! You can do ANYTHING!”
There are a million questions that go into play when considering any big decision in life, but I think it all boils down to one question:
Is it POSSIBLE? Possible.
Is there a possibility? A probability? A passion? What are the motives??

Have you ever met someone who had such an awesome, care free look on life? Someone who survived Cancer and you envied their outlook? I have. And now….I find myself seriously blessed to have that same outlook. I wish and pray that you can find that in life one day. I’m not proud of how I came to such a conclusion, but glad I ended there.
So at this point I feel an overwhelming sense to MAKE SENCE out of non-sence. If this makes zero sense to you that’s okay, because to me; it’s perfect. ❤
I'm not sure where I'll go from here, or if my Dr will allow me to further pursue this "sense of non-sense", but I'm sure it'll all work out. I've been lucky. And hey, I don't need two kidneys!! Save a life, love life, pay it forward, change something, think outside of the box. Because in the end, it IS possible!

What now?

Published June 17, 2013 by lindseymeetsworld

Well, here I am. My daughter just went to visit her Dad for a few weeks several states away and I’m alone at home.
I’m sober and alone in a big house with nothing to do besides find myself.
In NA they say to go day by day, or minute by minute. Whatever works. I’m going second by second.
I slept in quite late and was awoken by the smell of lillacs outside the window.
My hair and makeup are not done but I don’t care! Me and my coffee cup went out to sit in the grass, I closed my eyes and just appreciated such a beautiful smell.
No plan.
Just doing exactly what I want.
I have a meeting tonight in 4 hours, I think I’m going to walk today 🙂 There’s a nature trail nearby and I want to walk it.
Getting off drugs is the hardest thing one will ever do, but then there comes a day when laying in the grass is all you want and need to be happy. I pray you find that day.
May you blast a song and dance like no one is watching you!!!
When you hear a thunderstorm, go outside! Go play in the rain like the inner kid you are.
I forgot how much I loved the rain.

This week I choose to walk wherever I go. I want to walk slowly and recognize the absolute beauty around me. I live in a beautiful lakeside area!! Maybe I’ll walk down to the park and watch the sunset, the sky turns so pink!!
Maybe I’ll sleep in the camper and listen to the crickets 🙂

Either way, I feel humbled.

Sorry for the rambling, but I hope and pray that one day you will play in the rain, sober, an it’ll feel great!!
Just keep trying!!

When all Signs Point to Adderall (Signs and Tips for the Parents of an Adderall Abuser)

Published May 22, 2013 by lindseymeetsworld

When all Signs Point to Adderall (Signs and Tips for the Parents of an Adderall Abuser).

When all Signs Point to Adderall (Signs and Tips for the Parents of an Adderall Abuser)

Published May 22, 2013 by lindseymeetsworld

If it quacks like a duck and acts like a duck….don’t excuse it for a goose

This blog is for all of you concerned parents or loved ones out there who may not understand drugs or addiction. I hope this blog finds you, and finds you well.
I’m asking ALL READERS, that if you have any experience with ADDERALL at all, or if this blog personally helped you reach the next step PLEASE comment below with your experience. The more to read, the better!

MOM,
It’s an “average” day, as average as any for our crazy daily lives, the kids are finally off to school and your husband is gone for work. Once your morning coffee has kicked in you turn up the news loud enough so you can hear the TV while you do something productive around the house. And then the tone of the day changes; you find some sort of pill in your child’s bedroom (This happens to most parents at one point in time) What do you do?

ONCE YOU FIND THE PILL…
There is a wonderfully helpful website that will help you. Go to the Pill Identifier at http://www.drugs.com where you will type in the color, size, and individual letters & numbers on the pill. This will lead you to exactly what the drug is. When this happens to you I pray you only are finding an Ibuprofen, or even a Birth Control (although shocking, count your lucky stars!) but if you dont know much about the medicine then you need to research it as much as possible.

A lot of teenagers are really good kids, but even the best kind of person can be caught vulnerable. Adderall, for most users, started out being that “Acception Drug”. This means that the person doesn’t usually do drugs or drink but the high is so perfect that, for this, they will make an acception.

Adderall (Addy’s, Vivanse) is a HUGE problem in schools all over the world. 78% of school goers admit to at least trying the drug. SEVENTY EIGHT percent, yes you read that right! That is a STRONG percentage! It’s an intensely high number for a little pill that comes with an intensely popular high. Addy’s are starting to form the name, the “Study Drug” as a lot of school goers use Adderall to study and “focus”. The worst part about Adderall is that is DOES improve all functions temporarily, causing a quick addiction.

WHAT IS ADDERALL? AND WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL
Adderall is a hugely popular pill originally made for people with ADHD. It works by affecting brain chemicals causing a surge of focus, concentration, and energy for several hours and sometime times even days in some people. (Have you ever seen on TV a Meth Addict/Crack Addict pick at their face for hours on end? They are so focused that they need something to do) Adderall is most popular in its Orange Capsule with the “beads” inside that supposedly make it harder to snort (HA!! Yea right!)
To be blunt, Adderall is basically the exact same thing as Crack only it’s cheaper and the high lasts longer.
People who use and abuse Adderall will get a massive rush of energy followed by an even stronger crash. After you take the pill it will take about 20minutes to an hour for it to kick in, you will suddenly feel energetic (more and more as the hours go by) and then the next thing you know, your more energetic than you imagined, and you NEED something to focus in on. A person on Adderall will clench their jaw for the entire high and chain smoke of they are regular smokers. The high isn’t quick, it will last all day long from one pill. Adderall is so dangerous in the fact that you WILL be able to completely zone in on your homework and study for hours upon hours, allowing yourself to catch up completely and/or ace the exams only to go home and spotlessly clean your house. It’s rare that someone sleeps on Addys, causing them to hallucinate the next day.
When a person takes an Adderall, their neurotransmitters [in the brain] do not function normally for a little while and THIS is exactly what makes you crave more. Before you know it, you’ve been in a 2 week binge and you cannot afford to “crash” for 2/3 days due to the fact that you have to go to school or work, ect and you need more Adderall to function….and then your an addict. EVERY SINGLE ADDICT (I repeat, every single one of them) thinks that they are the one acception to this and they will not become addicted, and they always do.
Adderall also increases all stimulation. The brain is gushing out Endorphines, causing Euphoria and a wonderful happy feeling. Adderall makes most peoples sexual appetite stronger as well.
Adderall is also hugely popular as a diet pill as you can go days and days without any food and still have awesome energy levels.

But do not let any of this entice you, what comes up must go down, right? And the higher up you go, the further you must fall. The high from Adderall is so very high that the crash is quite miserable, and you do NOT have to be an addict at all to crash. After several days with zero sleep or food, your body will be extremely exhausted but your mind is still racing which makes it so you cannot sleep. This “Tired but Wired” end of the high is AWEFUL, don’t make any mistake! It will take you quite a long time before you’re able to sleep so then when you DO fall asleep you will sleep for a long time. After you come down from an Adderall high your jaw will hurt so badly you will question if you were beaten up, you will have a pretty bad headache, and you will also be very grumpy. The hangover from Adderall lasts a very long time. You will also feel pretty depressed and weak.

I apologize if I put so much emphasis on the high of Adderall, I am in no way trying to “talk it up” but this is all the exact truth and it’s WHY your children are doing it.

A MOMS MISTAKE
Let’s go back to the beginning when mom finds that random pill. As moms, we will make a crap load of mistakes, but this moment right now is where a lot of moms make the ULTIMATE mistake: Justifying an excuse for your child.
“He’s a good kid, he tells me everything”
“My Aunt is prescribed those, she must have dropped it”
“It was probably that friend of hers!”
“He knows what I went through, he would never do drugs”
After you find drugs in your child’s possession and learn that it is in fact a narcotic, DO NOT justify excuses for them. It’s perfectly normal to be in denial and think that your kid is different, but it’s your JOB in life to act properly towards a situation like this. Making excuses is not only rediculous, but it ultimately teaches your child how to better lie to you and can lead to a lifetime of justifications.
Get online and research this specific narcotic. Type in: “(Name of drug) abuse” to see if people abuse this drug, or email me and know I’m happy to help: pink.lex@hotmail.com.
If you learn that this is a narcotic, do not stay quiet! An trust me mom, your teenager is going to LIE their ass off to you!! They will come up with any possible excuse and lie. Let’s be realistic: there were drugs in the possession of your kid. Plain and simple. Personally, I have a large family am there’s a lot of people in and out of my house, and there are NO random pills in my house. Not to mention that drug users LOVE their pills they are not going to frivolously drop them or leave them behind…that’s just not how it happens.
My next blog is will go much deeper into the subject on how to react (and more importantly, how NOT to react) when you discover that your loved one is on drugs.

SIGNS THAT SOMEONE IS USING ADDERALL
Increased energy (Being “super-mom” or a “super-student”)
Out of the ordinary weight loss
A dramatic increase in grades
Extreme highs and lows
Excessive sleeping
Being more affectionate than usual
Complaining of stomach pains and/or heartburn
Being tired but unable to sleep
Extreme behavior
A sudden overall change in behavior (the user suddenly is happier, nicer, and doing better in school/job)
Their skin may look “weathered”, an Adderall user may start to become “goofier”
Increased sexuality

LONGTERM ADDERALL ABUSE
Adderall may have made th user feel like they were on top of the world for the first couple of days, but this quickly diminishes. Adderall takes its victims quite quickly. You will feel, look, and act “cracked out” within days. This feeling will become obvious to others and be more frequent as soon as a few weeks. Your cheeks will sink in, you will become bony and your behavior will become rediculous. You won’t really notice this but everyone else will. If you have any form of high blood pressure or heart problems, I really hope and pray your not left alone with young kids or driving because you are inches away from a heart attack.
Adderall will also cause blackouts, especially when the person stands up after sitting.
If you have been abusing Adderall for a few months now, you can kiss your nerves goodbye. Your central nervous system is going to fry and for the rest of your life you will more than likely be dependent on nerve medication as you will get the shakes and paranoia everyday. You can also expect your sexual desire to disappear, kiss away the thought of ever TRUELY pleasing your husband and having a healthy sex drive.
During Addy addiction, I hope you take a lot of pictures and look at them when you are clear headed. You will see a very sick version of yourself, and hopefully stop.
DO NOT take Adderall during pregnancy or breast feeding. I know drug addiction is a terribly hard thing but you will permanently damage the baby and that is WRONG!! If you choose to use, I hope that you have the patients to deal with a hyperactive child (if not disabled), and for that child’s entire life you have NO RIGHT to yell at them over something associated with ADHD or ADD that you caused them, and I hope to God that as a drug user you will never ever ever lose your patients and hit this kid out of frustration. YOU did this to them.
I encourage anyone who is taking Adderall I thinking about it to Google “Faces of Meth” and don’t ever assume this won’t happen to you.

IN CONCLUSION
Please remember: You are NOT a bad parent. This is not the time to get mad and start screaming. Calm down and focus on what’s important.
Drug abuse is a real genuine problem and it’s easy to turn your head from its possibilities. Drug addicts are in no way bad PEOPLE, they are victims. This can happen to anyone at anytime. Drugs do not discriminate; they care NOTHING about your social status, your money, your education levels, your gender or age, they will take the soul of anyone at anytime. It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt, that’s a popular saying. Well I say that it’s all fun and games until drugs choose you. YOU ARE NOT AN ACCEPTION. Drugs may seem fun at first but they will take your soul, your desires, your goals, your dreams and then they take your family, your kids, your good looks, and ultimately your life.

Saying You’re Sorry VS Being Sorry

Published February 27, 2013 by lindseymeetsworld

Sorry:

Sor-ry *Adjective

To feel regret, sorrow, sympathy, pity, or compunction. To be sorry for a friend in need. You are sorry for cheating on a test.

To be sorry seems like a very simple term when you read it so casually as you just did above. But to feel sorrow is quite sad and complex. For me personally, I feel a great deal of sorrow towards so many people. During my drug years, I became a whole different person. I was a lier, a cheat, I became permiscuous, and just in general a really shitty person. As much as I hate to admit this, I was also not being the best mother. I was loveless. Loveless to EVERYONE and EVERYTHING except for my drugs and the money in which provided my drugs. I pushed everyone away, I broke my fiances nose, cussed at my parents, I even pushed my mother down the stairs.

The way I treated men was the worst. I took out all of my hate towards my daughters father (or since were being honest, the hate I have towards myself for being in love with someone that i cant have because I RUINED it!) and basically punished as many men as possible. I left my fiancée, and broke as many hearts as I could. I found it funny. (Sick, huh?)

I think one of the worst things in my life of sobriety is the people who will not listen to or accept my apology. They don’t believe it’s genuine, and I can’t blame them!! There are a few people that I just NEED to know how sorry I am, and that I am NOT that girl who did what I did, that I am genuinely, 110%, swear to God SORRY.
But they won’t listen.
So instead I pray. I hope that one day I will get a chance to tell them, I hold on to faith that God will put me in a situation, or that they will see that I truely am sober and KNOW I am sorry.
It is impossible to go through life and never ever do something that makes you sorry, but oh boy do I hope that you never have the amounts of regret that I do.

Pride sure can be a stubborn little fucker can’t it??

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HATING the ADDICT

Published February 26, 2013 by lindseymeetsworld

Drug addiction is so hard on the addicts family. It is mostly impossible to understand the brain of an addict if you have never been one.
The complexity of what is going on inside of an addicts brain can be overwhelming, and is usually very misunderstood by non-addicts. Chemically, it’s a MESS up there. Once you are hooked on drugs and you fry the natural endorphins in the brain, it becomes a VICIOUS CYCLE.
If an addict gets off of drugs they will be “down” for several months, maybe even more than a year until their body and brain realign. How can someone in recovery go to work and fully function when they are extremely weak, confused, ect??
If you want to get clean you have to basically eliminate all stress…including work. Realistically, this is not feasible for most people. And that takes us back to the VICIOUS CYCLE.
An addict cannot function without, plain and simple.

In Elementary school when they asked us what we wanted to be, do you remember anyone saying “I want to be a drug addict (alcoholic, ect)!!”??? 99% of the time this happens to us because of unfortunate events, not because WE WANT TO. Who would CHOOSE that kind of life.

To a non-addict: Try to remember the most helpless and hopeless you’ve ever felt. Put yourself back to that moment and feeling, it was aweful wasn’t it?? I can tell you from experience that drug addicts who are far into addiction feel that way all day, everyday. And not because they CHOSE to.

I was VERY LUCKY to have a great family to turn to, but SOOOOO many addicts do not. If you are hooked on Heroin and your mother constantly calls the cops on you, and your sister disowns you because she’s ashamed…..you pretty much have a ZERO percent chance of ever getting clean. And you know that!!! So when you yell at those people and they think your “such an asshole because of the drugs” you know damn well that you are frustrated because their display of love and “help” is ALL WRONG!!!!

Hating an addict put of sheer misunderstanding is plain ignorance. It’s actually an excellent example of ignorance.
If you LOVE someone you NEVER give up hope. If they refuse to ever quit, don’t drill them constantly, don’t disown them. All of these things will drive them away, make them more depressed, and it all adds to that VICIOUS CYCLE I keep referring to.

I would love to hear any comments you may have. I love to hear others thoughts an perspective on the issue of addicts….

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