I feel like I’ve become numb. My depression has came back with a strict mission to ruin me, and it’s winning. I don’t know if it’s the seasonal change, another part of being Bipolar, or just a bad diet and routine but I am not liking this at all.
Not even my daughter can make me laugh. Yesterday was pathetic, she was laughing and giggling what would have been a precious moment, but for me it was nothing…I even tried to fake laugh but it was too obvious.
Everyone around me is asking me what’s wrong and I don’t find them to be helpful, I find them to be annoying, which is causing me to isolate.
I’ve been on anti-depressants most of my life and I still have these times, so I am going to do something different: I am going to exercise my way out of depression. Lets see if it works!
Depression Scale (1-10, 1 being happy and 10 being the worst depressed)
Work out: 30 minutes (Nothing extreme, just keep moving for as long as I can)
I’m typing this as I walk to keep my mind focused away from my thoughts of wanting to just sit down and be sad. It’s been 20 minutes and I can feel it in my legs, it feels pretty good. I can actually remember a time when I loved to work out and was actually addicted to it. I really hope this works! My life feels so dark and depressing. Medicine obviously doesn’t help me. Exercise and getting back to a routine (I imagine) should work wonders.
I do a lot of thinking. A lot of “whys”, who, what, when, and where. How do I turn this around?
And why me?
How did I succumb to drug addiction and successfully get sober?
Some would call it willpower, or an act of God, maybe just lucky, but I’m sensing something else.
My Doctor ordered full testing off all my organs to see what and if there was any damage done from the thousands of pills I’ve swallowed, drugs I’ve smoked, and patches I wore. That wasn’t exactly an answer I was excited to hear about.
When I got the results, it was quite unexpected; no damage what so ever.
The Dr informed me that I was a lucky girl and that’s when it hit: Everything truly does happen for a reason.
How can I make things RIGHT?
I read that 20,000 people die everyday waiting for a kidney. I cannot even imagine the relentless pain those people go through, to watch your Dad, mom, sister, kid, ect get sicker and sicker everyday to such an unjudgmental disease. So then I read further and discovered you can donate one of your own kidneys and still live a perfectly functioning life.
Soooo…..this isn’t Rocket Science, who WOULDN’T do this? I thought.
I have an appointment with my Dr in the morning so we can talk about me being a Living Donor. I’m not sure what he will say…..but I’m not expecting the best results from this appt. It seems too crazy to me, if someone said to me “Hey, I’m giving away a Kidney to a stranger” I would think they weren’t ACTUALLY going to do so. It SOUNDS great, but are you REALLY going to attempt something do huge??
This is where my mind says; Why not??
Based on the research I’ve done, being a Living Donor seems perfectly beautiful to me. There is also a part of me that says “Lindsey, you don’t even deserve two perfectly healthy kidneys” and maybe that’s true!!
Why does this feel so natural??
And then there comes the most important issue of all: How will I go into a 6 week recovery with NO narcotics? Is that do-able? How do I get an entire KIDNEY taken out of me and not have pain medicine for at least the first few days?? What are the alternatives?? And then I think “Lindsey, you’ve literally walked next to the Devil near death for a long time….and totally got away, going cold turkey off massive amounts of opiates, and actually succeeding! You can do ANYTHING!”
There are a million questions that go into play when considering any big decision in life, but I think it all boils down to one question:
Is it POSSIBLE? Possible.
Is there a possibility? A probability? A passion? What are the motives??
Have you ever met someone who had such an awesome, care free look on life? Someone who survived Cancer and you envied their outlook? I have. And now….I find myself seriously blessed to have that same outlook. I wish and pray that you can find that in life one day. I’m not proud of how I came to such a conclusion, but glad I ended there.
So at this point I feel an overwhelming sense to MAKE SENCE out of non-sence. If this makes zero sense to you that’s okay, because to me; it’s perfect. ❤
I'm not sure where I'll go from here, or if my Dr will allow me to further pursue this "sense of non-sense", but I'm sure it'll all work out. I've been lucky. And hey, I don't need two kidneys!! Save a life, love life, pay it forward, change something, think outside of the box. Because in the end, it IS possible!
Well, here I am. My daughter just went to visit her Dad for a few weeks several states away and I’m alone at home.
I’m sober and alone in a big house with nothing to do besides find myself.
In NA they say to go day by day, or minute by minute. Whatever works. I’m going second by second.
I slept in quite late and was awoken by the smell of lillacs outside the window.
My hair and makeup are not done but I don’t care! Me and my coffee cup went out to sit in the grass, I closed my eyes and just appreciated such a beautiful smell.
Just doing exactly what I want.
I have a meeting tonight in 4 hours, I think I’m going to walk today 🙂 There’s a nature trail nearby and I want to walk it.
Getting off drugs is the hardest thing one will ever do, but then there comes a day when laying in the grass is all you want and need to be happy. I pray you find that day.
May you blast a song and dance like no one is watching you!!!
When you hear a thunderstorm, go outside! Go play in the rain like the inner kid you are.
I forgot how much I loved the rain.
This week I choose to walk wherever I go. I want to walk slowly and recognize the absolute beauty around me. I live in a beautiful lakeside area!! Maybe I’ll walk down to the park and watch the sunset, the sky turns so pink!!
Maybe I’ll sleep in the camper and listen to the crickets 🙂
Either way, I feel humbled.
Sorry for the rambling, but I hope and pray that one day you will play in the rain, sober, an it’ll feel great!!
Just keep trying!!